Fear of Idleness

I have this deep-rooted fear of idleness. I worry that the things that I enjoy doing will cease to be enjoyable. There's this small anxious voice inside that repeatedly asks me what I should be doing now, what I should be doing the next second...the next minute... tomorrow, next month.... I am so darn sure that I'm wasting my time, when I could be doing.... wait, I don't know what I want to do when I'm not wasting my time!

This is the uncertainty that I cannot stand. It is like invisible hands clawing at my neck, my chest...stifling and thickly sickening.

I used to like spending time by myself many years back. At that time I have a lot to do by myself. My little hobbies, my webcomic, my reading and writing. I found so much pleasure there that I rarely spend time with my friends and family. But as years advanced, I realise with much dismay that my previous love do not hold the same allure nor give me pleasure anymore. Perhaps this is a natural progression of life, where my youthful passion cooled and gave way for boring, more typical appetites. Things that occupy my time now are like watching the TV, playing video games and just plain wasting time by reading magazines or surfing the net.

One of my worst fears has come true. I've grown up into a boring adult who leads a meaningless routined life. I hate and dread every second of it. One second tick by and I'm already regretting it.

Nowadays, I find solace when I'm able to perform tasks that fills me with serenity and inner peace. Oddly, I find it when I'm sweeping the floor, or carefully dicing carrots by the sink. Unfortunately, moments like these do not last. Then I'm back at it. Going on shopping sprees! Eating binges! Playing video games til the wee hours or the night! When these thing loses their shine, I get mopey and depressed.

I think I'm overindulged. I need a full system detox. This feels really awful.