Kissing Couplehood Goodbye

From the day I was born until the time my daughter was delivered recently, I wasn't used to living any other way except for myself. The years of selfish living, of making myself happy and achieving my desires has taken its toll. Getting married 2 years ago didin't make much of difference, because couplehood was a part in my life since my teens and it does play a huge part in the self-gratification. 

I reared hamsters, dogs and multitudes of guinea pigs, and have always looked at the time sacrificed to take care of these little creatures as a form of practice for things to come later when we have a baby. Oh boy was I naive...it is not the same.

I have my kid for almost 3 weeks now. Every day I struggle to adapt to this new mentality of selflessly existing for another. When baby is hungry or uncomfortable, she cries, and I have to put down whatever I'm doing and go to her. The first few days were OK, but as weeks passed, this massive shift of priorities started to hurt.

When she cries, I helplessly look on and sometimes cries with her, mourning for the life I had before I birthed her. My mind urged me to binge on TV, food and self-pity. With the breastfeeding not going well, I felt the impending dread of being shackled to this crying bundle of doom for many years to come. This was not what I wanted. I do not know why people want to have kids when they can merrily exist with their partners living the good life. Now I look at women who have kids and I silently salute them. Bringing up children, being a wife, keeping a household in order while working at the same time is no small feat. It made all my accomplishments in my career so weak. A humbling experience, and a wakeup call on how self-aborbed my priorities are.

The first week, I felt I was not making progress. Baby sleeps all day and cries all night. My stitches bled, my mom and mom-in-law grumbled at me being up and about too much, and Hubs had to shift to another room to sleep because his Paternity leave has come to an end and he needed to resume work. The responsibility was a huge piece of rock sitting on my chest. Once too often I shed quiet tears while pumping or when trying to nap in the privacy of my room. 

I remind myself that I am lucky to have my mom-in-law and Hubs to take care of the baby for me during the day so I can unwind and recover from the delivery. However, as evening approaches, the feeling of dread of having to lie down with the baby in the darkness starts to eat at me. By night, when baby is brought to the room, and when the rest of the house drifts into sleep, I am up on my ass, frantically exhausting all options to pacify her. It was a nightmare, as baby would start fussing at 9pm until 4-5am during then. 

One thing that helped was... knowing that sleep is the best stress-reducer. Sometimes I strongly feel the need to stay awake during the day to keep my other stats filled. Sleep was the last thing I wanted. I will often regret the decision by evening, when the drowsiness make me grumpy and depressed. At night, I will be tired and nodding off when I should be alert to baby's body language and crying. I suppose it's a lesson learnt. In the morning I will wake up and stay positive and ignore all negative vibes. When it gets too much, I try to retreat for a nap or just talk to Hubs and let him do the comforting. 

I can't wait until she grows up. Everybody keeps saying that it will get better after 1 or 3 months. But some never do get better and will continue until 1 to 2 years old (oh, the horror!). I am keeping my fingers crossed. I don't know why people miss their kids being babies. I suspect it is because toddlehood is even worse...or when the kid starts to walk and get destructive. I suppose I will find out soon.

Motherhood is supposed to be rewarding. At this point, I'm still sowing the seeds. They say that Maturity is often defined as the ability to delay gratification and progress. I still have tons to learn!