I've been picking at my emotional scabs again today, and damn it hurts. Look, they're bleeding.
Work is good. Gives you satisfaction. Got a major task ticket tackled this morning and I'm going to look into some shitty requirement document right now.
And there's this heaviness on me that has been there since a few months back. A burden. How to say....it sits on my shoulders and it makes me slump forward when I walk, and brings about sighs and groans when I'm alone. Does anyone understand this? I'm not fully casting my burdens onto Him. I don't know how to. I seek release. God hears me, and I can connect, but I can't help but still eat chocolates, because the shadow of that burden is still there.
I discovered a way to play with Cookie. I turn her on her back and rub my face on her tummy. First time I did it, she was entranced. She loves it. And I'll start kissing her little head, and she'll lick me back. I feel sorry for her. Her mom never got the chance to do that enough.
Ugh...but the heaviness...sigh.
Friday, April 22, 2005
This Heaviness...
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2 comments:
Hi,
Probably you are over this by now? Anyway, I feel that I need to say something about this because you are a friend.
I don't claim that I understand your problem; but I think I had (maybe am still having) similar symptoms. I felt that my only value in life lies in work. Without work, I am just a burden to the world (or to my family or to God or to whoever it matters to me).
Then, I made another mistake: I tried to justify that I do deserve to live (that I am not a burden to anything or anyone) by comparing myself to other people and hoping that I would be able to say "See? I am better than that person, so I have more right to live than that person does." The problem with this approach is that I ended up finding myself inferior to many other people and just got more and more depressed.
I got over it by doing these in my mind:
(1) accept that I am me with so many minuses, but with some pluses.
(2) everyone else is the same: they are with pluses and minuses.
(3) life is not a competition; life is a chance to get what I want.
I admit these are idealistic, they are just theoretical thinking, they are principles. But I found myself much lighter after that.
Now, this reply is about your problem, not mine. What I said above may not apply to you; but in the least I want you to know that you are not "alone". This kind of emotional thing is everyone's problem.
Thanks dish. You're an awesomely analytical guy. :) I think i do understand you point and don't think it's too idealistic or anything.
Everybody needs a purpose to continue with life, to find a justification of the suffering they face today (or maybe for their entire lives). I don't mean we're just living in a lie or anything like that. Everybody DO deserve to live. Everybody DO have pluses and minuses.
Religion works, and I have that, I'm glad. No worries bout me.
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