S.E.L.F.I.S.H.

I'm so selfish. I can't wait to have my life back on track again. I look at my baby now and she's already trying to crawl when she's on her tummy. I can't help but wish she can quickly learn how to walk and talk and sail right pass toddlerhood and straight into pre-schoolerhood, and is old enough to be interested in her own things while I get back into my comfy old routine of gaming, drawing and reading.

I can't believe that Abby's 5.5 months already, and I also can't believe that I still feel so out-of-sorts like I'm walking on coals everyday. For the past weeks, I still couldn't get used to this demanding routine.... Can't sleep when I am bone-tired.. Can't work when my emails are piling up.. Can't even pee & poo in peace...

Frankly speaking, we don't fancy the parenting experience so much as to have a 2nd or 3rd baby. I'm sighing loudly right now because a lot of people are trying to conceive and I'm complaining about me not wanting anymore babies. Urgh, but I just need to say it out loud! It's really eating me up!

I know I know. I'm so selfish. Some one can give me a right hard smack.

I want the best for my baby. I want her to have siblings to play with. I want her to be able to find comfort and share her burdens with her siblings later in life when we've passed on. I also don't mind having lots of kids (grown up!) keeping me company and having merry Tan family gatherings every year at new year.

I suspect this is a common gripe among new parents. I just didin't expect this to be like this @ 6 months.

Jehovah Rapha

Sometimes, Life throws you a curveball. Few days ago, my Ipoh pastor suffered a massive aneurysm. He doesn't smoke, drink or over-indulge. He's a thin, lean, preaching machine, frequently at the pulpit delivering sermons in 2 to 3 languages.

I got a sms from my brother then, informing us to pray. I quickly fwded the news to my sister and emailed my mom in NYC - activating a prayer chain to cover Pastor with prayers and protection with the blood of Jesus around the clock.

Eventhough separated geographically, the Church functioned as one. One part of the Body is griefly wounded, and the whole Body feels the pain intensely.

Pastor's eyes were swollen and bulging from her face, due to the internal bleeding in the brain. Doctors suctioned out the blood and warned us of the high risk of permanent brain damage or death. Everyone started fasting to claims God's promises...our God Jehovah Rapha who is our Healer, our Physician.

We prayed for wisdom and discernment for the surgeons, for their hands to be guided and stilled by the Master. We prayed for His glory to shine through, from the miraculous healing of His faithful servant. We prayed for the pastor's deliverance from the Valley of Death. We also prayed for the family, his young son and daughter, and for his wife, to be able to lean heavily, and draw strength and faith from His spirit.

Today, i got news that Pastor was moved to Gleneagles. He stabilised and doctors proceeded with angiogram scan. They later decided on an operation to remove the aneurysm which was lying precariously between two nerves. Operation lasted 5 hours. It was successful.

To God is the glory forever and ever. And to the wonderful medical staff who were there, who did such a good job on the complex and high-risk operation.

Lets hope for a full recovery for Pastor, with all his faculties intact. Lets speak forth healing and restoration into his body. May the Lord reveal and unlatch the gates to His resources to make this happen. Amen!

Yippie Yay Yay!

It's been awesome the past few nights and Abby has been taking to the new sleeping routine gladly. No more crying at nights. We're so thrilled that that nightmarish phase is over. Thank GOD!!

We're returning to Seremban tomorrow, so we'll get to try out this routine on her in a new environment. Hope she doesn't mind too much. All this is practise for the ultimate trip back to Ipoh at the end of the month! Will Abby breeze through the 2 hour car trip? Will she gurgle and bestow her sunny toothless smiles on unfamiliar relatives (including her granddad who'll be seeing her for the first time)? Will she be able to sleep through the manic barks of the neighbour's annoying Chihuahua?

Stay tuned.

Tummy Time

Abby @ 17 weeks

18th Week

Abby's at her 18th week now. She is starting to teethe, constantly drooling and recently starting to develop rashes around her mouth from the saliva. She has good neck control, and is able to hold up her head steady at all times. Though she haven't had much luck with flipping over either ways yet, but she's already sitting up (with support) steady...Sometimes I think she's kiasu.

Anyhow, we're still struggling to get her to sleep at night. I've ditched the rocking and singing routine for a much better one. We established a routine with her as below:

9:00pm - wipes down Abby and chg her into her PJs
9:30pm - carry her into the room, where a story is read to her
10:00pm - put Abby in cot and dim the lights, sticks a pacifier into her mouth and ensure it remains there until she falls asleep

On a good day, Abby will fall asleep after 30 mins off struggling and half-hearted cries. If it's a particularly bad day, she'll shriek and scream non-stop for ¹- 1.5 hrs until we give in and offer her the bottle to nurse. What I can say is, the Ferber method ain't for us. I don't think it's a good idea to let a babe cry for ¹hr or more. When Abby does this, she is unable to stop...and can go on and on and on, seemingly unable to console herself and her screams will sound more and more hysterical.

We're planning our first trip back to Ipoh this month end. Sleeping arrangements will be iffy...but my Dad and Granny will get to see Abby for the first time. I'm starting to feel the stress already. Boy, having a kid just ain't easy peasy.

Starting on 6 Weeks with Abby

Abby is striving. Her mousey hair is starting to fill up, with a mini widow's peak forming at her hairline. Made me wonder where she got that from as Hubs and I do not have this ourselves. Then there's more changes... the not-so-subtle changes in proportion especially to the face. Her face is squarish now with 2 red almost-swollen looking cheeks hanging at each sides of her mouth. And both sides tumbuh rashes so icky! Head also become very berat but that never stopped her from swinging it around like a club. Brandishing it clumsily, Abby will drunkenly loll her head around, usually hitting our faces, chins or collar bones. If the impact is hard enough, she will wail loudly in pain. Burping and attempts to cuddle her is such an ordeal!

We bought her a sarong hammock. I know the arguments on how not to introduce this to a baby, as she will easily get addicted to the rocking and the parents will have a hard time weaning her off it. But there's nothing we could do to pacify her and make her go to sleep. She will twist and kick in our arms when we try to rock her, and often the crying will escalate to high-pitched nerve-wrecking screams. And this could go on for hours. It never ceases to amaze me how she can muster up so much stamina from such a small set of lungs to continuously cry like that. 

During the wee hours of the night, when she cries like that... it can really drive a perfectly sane person nuts. I'm puzzled on why she fusses so magnificently during late evenings, usually from 11pm to 3am. Did some research and some people said it's the accumulation of stress and overstimulation from daytime which leads to this. Baby will usually be inconsolable and will need to cry themselves to sleep or something at 5-6 weeks. Then there'll be separation anxiety later when she's older, teething pains, etc etc. Seems to me that it will go on forever. I sure hope it will improve after 3 months but Hubs keep telling me to prepare ourselves to endure this for 1-2 years. 

Oh boy, the stress :(.

On a more positive note, she's starting to take a strong interest in the mobile we have hanging over her cot. It is just a free gift from Anmum but now it's Abby's best new friend! I'm not sure how normal is it, but she coos at the darn thing when we turn it on. Seriously, she prefers it over us. (which is not a bad thing sometimes!)

Moon and stars dancing to Fur Elise!

Abby when she's in one of her better moods

Kissing Couplehood Goodbye

From the day I was born until the time my daughter was delivered recently, I wasn't used to living any other way except for myself. The years of selfish living, of making myself happy and achieving my desires has taken its toll. Getting married 2 years ago didin't make much of difference, because couplehood was a part in my life since my teens and it does play a huge part in the self-gratification. 

I reared hamsters, dogs and multitudes of guinea pigs, and have always looked at the time sacrificed to take care of these little creatures as a form of practice for things to come later when we have a baby. Oh boy was I naive...it is not the same.

I have my kid for almost 3 weeks now. Every day I struggle to adapt to this new mentality of selflessly existing for another. When baby is hungry or uncomfortable, she cries, and I have to put down whatever I'm doing and go to her. The first few days were OK, but as weeks passed, this massive shift of priorities started to hurt.

When she cries, I helplessly look on and sometimes cries with her, mourning for the life I had before I birthed her. My mind urged me to binge on TV, food and self-pity. With the breastfeeding not going well, I felt the impending dread of being shackled to this crying bundle of doom for many years to come. This was not what I wanted. I do not know why people want to have kids when they can merrily exist with their partners living the good life. Now I look at women who have kids and I silently salute them. Bringing up children, being a wife, keeping a household in order while working at the same time is no small feat. It made all my accomplishments in my career so weak. A humbling experience, and a wakeup call on how self-aborbed my priorities are.

The first week, I felt I was not making progress. Baby sleeps all day and cries all night. My stitches bled, my mom and mom-in-law grumbled at me being up and about too much, and Hubs had to shift to another room to sleep because his Paternity leave has come to an end and he needed to resume work. The responsibility was a huge piece of rock sitting on my chest. Once too often I shed quiet tears while pumping or when trying to nap in the privacy of my room. 

I remind myself that I am lucky to have my mom-in-law and Hubs to take care of the baby for me during the day so I can unwind and recover from the delivery. However, as evening approaches, the feeling of dread of having to lie down with the baby in the darkness starts to eat at me. By night, when baby is brought to the room, and when the rest of the house drifts into sleep, I am up on my ass, frantically exhausting all options to pacify her. It was a nightmare, as baby would start fussing at 9pm until 4-5am during then. 

One thing that helped was... knowing that sleep is the best stress-reducer. Sometimes I strongly feel the need to stay awake during the day to keep my other stats filled. Sleep was the last thing I wanted. I will often regret the decision by evening, when the drowsiness make me grumpy and depressed. At night, I will be tired and nodding off when I should be alert to baby's body language and crying. I suppose it's a lesson learnt. In the morning I will wake up and stay positive and ignore all negative vibes. When it gets too much, I try to retreat for a nap or just talk to Hubs and let him do the comforting. 

I can't wait until she grows up. Everybody keeps saying that it will get better after 1 or 3 months. But some never do get better and will continue until 1 to 2 years old (oh, the horror!). I am keeping my fingers crossed. I don't know why people miss their kids being babies. I suspect it is because toddlehood is even worse...or when the kid starts to walk and get destructive. I suppose I will find out soon.

Motherhood is supposed to be rewarding. At this point, I'm still sowing the seeds. They say that Maturity is often defined as the ability to delay gratification and progress. I still have tons to learn!